Sunday Miscellany: In Which CGriff Gets Sued (Maybe)

Greetings, lads and lasses! SPRING IS HERE! Officially this time. It's not March-Summer, or late-winter, it's SPRING!

And with it comes preparing for the Birthday celebration.
and with THAT comes searching ALL of my computer drives for everything we did last year.
Yes, we've been planning since November, but I swear those little details never seem to stay put...

Y'anyhoodle, I was looking for scripts for the portion of the celebration where visitors can get onstage and read (or recite) their favorite Shakespearean soliloquy or scene aloud and discovered these four scripts hidden away in one of my secret folders. You see, each year at the Secondary Festival, my colleagues and I do commercials for our several programs. We try to be really hip and cool (like the kids are talkin' these days), but I can't seem to write anything but song parodies and 90s late-night sham-wow ads. That worked ok last year when I re-wrote a few of Shakespeare's soliloquies as commercials:

To party, or not to party: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler on the lawn to witness
The swings and parrys of outrageous swordsmen,
 Or juggl’rs’ arms enthrall a sea of viewers,
 And by applauding end them? To party: or not;
 Oh, More! And for to eat there be a feastOf great cake and a thousand other foodsTo sample here, too. 'Tis an indigestionDevoutly to be wish'd. To eat, to craft;
To craft: perchance to win: ay, there's the rub;
For in that crafting contest what prize may come
When I have sketched out this old Bard’s features,
Must give me pause: there's the respect
That makes a party of Sunday, April 17th;
From noon to four completely free of chargeHere at the Folger

Now is the semester of our much content
Made totally awesome by this fellowship;
And all the grades that lour'd o’er my head
In the company of others is forgot.And I, that love the Bard’s plays more than most,
That see in’s words a likely looking-glass;
I, that am into verse, and want more poetryTo speak before a class of peers like me;
And therefore, since I want to discuss Shakespeare,
And be entertain’d with well-spoken friends,
I am determined to apply to the FolgerHigh School Fellowship Program for this Fall.
I shall apply on the website, post haste! 

 If we Ed Staff have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended
That you have but wonder’d here
 While commercials did appear
 And all this info’s on our site
 Now to you all, we say goodnight
Give us your hands if we be friends
And Happily we say THE END!

A-thank-you

BUT before those were written, I had tried to write good, clean, informative commercials using the classic YouTube sensation Sassy Gay Friend. These were dismal commercials, but - imho - hilarious results. They're far from perfect, and are super NSWF and not-kid-friendly... but whatevs! Peek into my twisted sleep-deprived brain and relish what you seeeeee!

Meet Isabella from Shakespeare’s Measure for Measure. She is about to tell her brother that she could save him by having sex with the evil Angelo, but she has chosen to let her brother die instead. This fate could have been avoided If. She had a Sassy Gay Friend.

SGF: What are you doing? What what what are you doing?

<music> 

I: I can’t sleep with anyone.

SGF: What? Celibacy is terrible for your skin, you know that.

I: I’m training to become a nun.

SGF: <shock face> Izzy, let me tell you a little something. You are far too feisty to be happy living with a bunch of women. Can you even imagine the cycle wars? I mean, ew.

I: But everyone is such a slut, including my brother. I want to set an example of  piety.

SGF: That’s really great, Mother Superiority Complex, but I think you need to check your priorities. 1) Family. 2) Garments with color. 3) Waking up at 5am to light some incense.

I: My brother is the only family left to me…

SGF: See? This will all turn out ok. Let’s go buy you some skanky lingerie you stupid bitch!

Marianne: Wait! I love Angelo, I’ll pretend to be you so you don’t have to sleep with him and we’ll save your brother and your celibacy!

SGF: Yay! YOU’RE a stupid bitch. She’s a stupid bitch…

<music and dancing>

 Meet Viola from Shakespeare’s Twelfth Night. She is disguised as a boy and about to woo the Countess Olivia on behalf of the man she, herself, is in love with. This fate could have been avoided If. She had a Sassy Gay Friend.

SGF: What are you doing? What what what are you doing?

<music>  

V: My master has commanded me to woo the lady in his name.

SGF: Gross. First of all, please don’t refer to him as “master” you’re no genie in a bottle. Second, you’re obviously in love with him, why would you woo Miss Mourning over here? 

V: I can’t tell Orsino of my love, he trusts me! 

SGF: Vi, I’m pretty sure that this “trust” is probably just him having verbal diarrhea all over your face. He tells everyone about how he thinks he feels. He should totally be in love with you! 

V: I wish he were, but he loves the lady Olivia. 

SGF: Sure. Because she’s all “Oh, look at me, the men in my life are dead and I LOVE it when men pay attention to me!” Just look at stupid Aguecheek over there! 

Andrew: I brought more money! 

V: But what should I do to make him fall in love with me? 

SGF:  Go home, take off your dead brother’s clothes, put on some killer women’s weeds, and knock his door down. 

V: I'll do it! Will you give me a makeover? 

SGF: Of course, you stupid bitch! She’s a stupid bitch… 

<music and dancing>

Meet Lady Macbeth from Shakespeare’s Macbeth. She is about to throw herself off of her ill-won castle in a fit of madness. This fate could have been avoided If. She had a Sassy Gay Friend.

SGF: What are you doing? What what what are you doing? 

<music> 

M: I don’t deserve to live anymore! I made my husband kill the rightful king! 

SGF: Yeah, that was pretty stupid. But look at you! You’re a total queen now! 

M: I can’t wash the smell of his blood from my hands. It’s driving me mad! 

SGF: Gross. I’m pretty sure that’s the smell of these dank castle walls. Here’s a gift card to Bed, Bath and Beyond. Get yourself some nice area rugs and maybe new hand lotion. And some potpourri. 

M: But my husband has killed others since then, his friend Banquo, the Macduff family... 

SGF: And he totally cleared you of those! That’s all his fault! Wait, are those trees moving? I’m think it might be a good time to get you out of here. 

M: <makes for the turret> 

SGF: Noooo, no no. Tell you what. We’re going to go get you a nice new hairstyle, because this pulled out look isn’t doing it for you. I know these three great ladies in the forest! 

M: That would be nice. 

SGF: Of course it would, you stupid bitch! She’s a stupid bitch… 

<music and dancing>

Meet Prince Hal from Shakespeare’s Henry IV part I. He is about to sneak off to hang out with his tavern-crawling friends. Doing so might make him unworthy to wear the crown his father will fight to keep. This fate could have been avoided If. He had a Sassy Gay Friend.

SGF: What are you doing? What what what are you doing? 

<music>

H: I'm... going to sneak off to hang out with my tavern-crawling friends, including Jack Falstaff, the fattest drunkard in London.

SGF: <face>
SGF: Take me with you, I love bar crawls! I’m a stupid bitch… 

<music and dancing>